Birthday Jokes, Quotes and Sayings

Birthdays have inspired some of the funniest birthday jokes, quotes and sayings. So, sit back and get ready to read some of the funniest birthday jokes around. If you’ve got a few jokes of your own, share them below.

Let’s See If You Can Answer These Birthday Jokes…

Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!

Q: What is a meaning of a true friend?
A: One who remembers your birthday but not your age!

Q: How can you tell that you’re getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!

Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares!

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A: Thanks. I’ll never part with it!

Q: Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A: No, they both burn shorter!

Q: Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A: Because it was feeling crumby!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake!

Q: Were any famous men born on your birthday?
A: No, only little babies.

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday.

Q: BoyFriend: Why didn’t you give me anything for my birthday?
A: GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

Q: Why couldn’t prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
A: He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting him!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: Where would you learn to make ice cream?
A: At sundae school.

Q: What is the left side of a birthday cake?
A: The side that’s not eaten.

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: Don’t birthdays burn you up?

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What was the average age of a cave man?
A: Stone Age!

Q: What do you tell a lion on his birthday?
A: It’s roar birthday!

Q: What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered dessert?
A: No thanks. I’m stuffed.

One-Liner Jokes and Quotes

I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. – Bruce Lansky

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet…

Did you hear about the time Eddy’s sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

It’s not about age, it’s about attitude.

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. “Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”. That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

If there are 23 people in a room, there’s a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it’s been proven mathematically).

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she’s going to exchange it for.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. – Jennifer Yane

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. – Robert Frost

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

You were born an original. Don’t die a copy. – John Mason

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

It’s been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you.

More Birthday Jokes

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn’t you?
Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn’t 99 I’d be dead.

“Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Next time, take off the candles.”

Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

… And More Birthday Jokes

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, “A bottle of wine?”
His employees replied, “No.”
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. “A bottle of scotch?”
“His employees replied again, “No.”
Finally the boss asked, “I give up. What is it?”
His workers responded, “A puppy.”

You Know Your Old When:

• You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
• You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
• The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
• Things you buy now won’t wear out.
• When happy hour is a nap.
• When you can’t remember how old you are
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

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